dismantle, repair.

i am just having one of those days. too much shit going on in my head. tomorrow i will shake this off, hopefully, and be back to normal

bear with me. 

I will be doing perfectly fine and then I feel this loss all over again.

I wonder where you are today. I hope you’re happy. 

Where the hell does the time go?

I never thought I would be that guy. Call yourself whatever you want, that is how I always felt. But being a photographer, that is something you earn. Through hard work, practice, blood sweat and tears. You can’t just throw that around around because your parents bought you a Canon rebel and you take boring out of focus pictures.

I am sorry. For those who know me and those of you who have tried to get to know me, you know I am not a dick. But this really pisses me off. 

I have worked really hard to become who I am becoming. I probably spent 5 years shooting before I ever considered myself a photographer. No one wants to work for anything anymore. No one wants to put the time in. I got a message yesterday from someone asking me how to get published. Some dude who has been shooting for a few months and frankly, isn’t good. 

You can’t rush good work. You can’t rush a lasting career. Stop being in such a damn hurry. Having a camera doesn’t make you a “Photographer”. Throwing that word around taints it.

End. Rant. 

(i still have dreams about you and i wake up in the night longing to feel you next to me. i will never forget your laugh or the way you said my name. your voice haunts me like a ghost)

If I barely know you and you have given me your number and I never use it, don’t text me and tell me you miss me. And if I don’t respond in such a way to make you think I am ever flirting, don’t press the issue. And when I keep the conversation barely friendly, do not send me a random dirty picture. It just makes me feel weird and I have no idea how to respond.

I am not the guy I used to be. And you didn’t even know me when I was.

That is I am going to start being in pictures with famous people I need to get in shape.

Even though I just ate a can of cold ravioli. 

Yeah, that happened. 

I spend too much time in my head, living in the past. Memories and happier times haunt me still. I will never forget how you looked the first time I saw you, or how you tasted so long ago. As much as I still want to, I cannot forget your smile or the way you felt pressed against me.

I know this is wrong. I know that I am just making it harder on myself and I don’t want this anymore. But when I let my mind wander it still goes back to you, and then forward to the life I will no longer have. And when I close my eyes, it is still your face I miss.

It’s been long enough. I want this to be done. 

…there are some people out there, musical artists with huge followings that really love me and want me to work with them. This one guy wants me to be a partner in his record label. So many artists are reaching out asking me to shoot music videos based on my photos.

I don’t know. I am overwhelmed sometimes. 

I am still busting my ass but this will all pay off one day. Soon.

Thank you for all the continued support. 

-Keeyahtay 

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I have been walking around for so long with this ache buried deep in my chest. No matter what i do. No matter what I accomplish, it is never enough. It never feels like enough because I have no one to share it with. I have almost given up on finding anyone who could make me feel whole. Sometimes I felt like I was lost and not worthy because of what happened with Maggie. But then you came into my life and suddenly I had something to look forward to again. Someone to share this with. Someone to talk to. Someone who can make me smile with just a text message.

But as time goes on I know that this isn’t right. You gotta figure out what you want, but if you don’t know at this point then it definitely isn’t me. I know this. And we hang out and I feel the electricity, but I am always so confused by what you feel. But if you don’t know how you feel by now then that’s the answer right now. I have been around the block enough times to know this isn’t going to work out like I would like. 

The shitty part is, my life is better with you in it. But there is a conversation we need to have and I know this could change things between us. It could make things really awkward and I don’t want that. 

Fuck man. Things always get so complicated. I think I deserve someone great. And you would be great for me. You already know I would be great for you. I just wish this was simpler. But I can’t keep doing what I am doing if this is not going anywhere. It isn’t fair to me. 

I used to just hang out, make out, have sex, whatever. I didn’t care about waking up next to anyone. I didn’t think about the future. I didn’t think about someone to come home to.

And now, now I just want all of that. The things I used to have. Someone who was completely in love with me. Someone to face the future with.

WHEN DID I BECOME A FUCKING GIRL!?

Seriously though. Bummed. All the time. 

I miss dating. I miss having someone to share my life with. I miss rolling over and feeling someone next to me. 

i guess this is growing up.

I have two. 

First one is I am afraid this is all I will ever be. That I will be nothing more than someone who was full of potential but it was never fulfilled. That I will never be successful. I will never be able to get paid well to just take pictures. This terrifies me.

She reminded me that I have already done more in the last year than some people do their whole life. She reminded me that a year ago I just wanted to shoot some music, and now i get to shoot some of the biggest bands in the world. She reminded me that  I work too hard and I have too much talent to fail. I have given myself no safety rope. No back up. 

If you don’t have a fall back you can’t fall back.

Thank you.

And second, I am afraid I will never find someone who loved me like I was once loved. I am afraid I will never find that person who makes me feel whole again. 

I guess we will see how it all plays out. 

That tattoo was brutal. Everyone in the shop was impressed I sat through it. Apparently they normally break it up into two sessions.

That being said, it is absolutely beautiful and I cannot believe it is a part of me. The next couple of weeks are going to suck but it was so worth it.